I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
