So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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