Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
