I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
