you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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