I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
