she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
