yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize