Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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