the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
