You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
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It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
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This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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