God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
