and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
She tied me up with her honor cords...
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
