I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
