I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
