Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
