I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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