dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
