just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
How's work?
Spinning.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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