on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
