last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
