Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
