i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
