I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
