Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
