I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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