I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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