I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
