Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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