I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
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she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
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"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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