I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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