My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
