You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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