If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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