I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
