I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
