Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
