i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
