and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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