I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
