i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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