I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
