I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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