I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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