I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
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I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
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There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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