shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
