She is in my trunk
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
there is glitter all over my balls
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
