I am in a vortex of obligation.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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