Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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