Even my vagina gasped.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
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Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
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Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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