More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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