i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
