I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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