I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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