Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
