My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
