How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
