Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
