You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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