I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
